Misadventures Of The RED Team
by ThisStatementIsFalse
Summary: The REDs were idiots and lost their base to the BLU team. Now, they're still idiots, but they want their base back.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One!

~RED BASE~

"So, uh… what is plan?" the Heavy enquired, cramming his generous form into the arguing circle of RED team members. Paying little attention, the Pyro shrugged indifferently and whistled an infuriatingly catchy tune. Behind them, the Engineer looked up from the sentry turret he was mending;

"Listen, buddy…" And then, because frankly no one was listening, he _accidently _clanged his wrench against the metal wall. Everyone paused in suggestion until the only sound was a low, reverberating 'ring'. "Someone just tell Heavy the original plan an' stick with it, alright?" the generally more soft-spoken Engineer grumbled, finishing with his sentry and standing up. A couple of narrowed stares were exchanged between the ranks until, eventually, the Soldier snapped to attention and drilled;

"What's gonna happen is this!" He began to pace needlessly. "The BLUs are out there and the BLUs are goin' _down _out there! Myself and the cyclops-" the Demoman glared and moodily adjusted his eye patch- "are taking these here weapons and are blowing up the _crap _outta their tower." Both the Soldier and Demoman hefted their guns, a rocket and grenade launcher respectively.

"That shall put a stop to attacks from that side alley by the base," the Spy added for the slower mercs' benefits.

"And at zhe same time," the Medic added, snapping the wrist of one glove, "our friend the Pyro vill be moving into the courtyard and annihilating everyone in sight!"

The Pyro(maniac) made a muffled noise that hinted it may have been smiling. Yikes.

"Yeah, and while that's all goin' down me and this guy," the Scout nudged the Spy, much to the latter's resent, "are gonna be dashin' around the side. Well, he'll be sneaking around like a wimp-"

"Point is," the Demoman interrupted, "they get the door open so the rest of us can get in."

"'Cept me and the Engy," the Sniper leaned back in the chair he had managed to nab first, "we'll be takin' care a' things back here."

Everyone, apparently having arrived at this form of agreement, nodded affirmative. Save Heavy weapons guy;

"What do me and Sasha do?" he asked, over-affectionately stroking his minigun.

"You, sir'll be on the front lines with the Medic for cover," the Soldier answered. The Scout shouldered his scattergun expectantly and shifted by the door;

"Well c'mon, knuckleheads, let's get goin'!"

"This boy is going to get me killed…" the Spy muttered, joining Scout by the entrance.

The RED team took up their positions. The Pyro raised its flame thrower, ideally saying 'LET'S MOVE OUT!'

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**First chapter! Yay :)  
Updates should be daily because I like tiny chapters  
Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two!

~A LITTLE WAY IN FRONT OF THE BLU BASE~

The seven RED team members stood with varying levels of enthusiasm.

Maybe a couple hundred feet or so ahead sat the BLU base, a massive structure consisting of two buildings. One was a tower, moderately unimpressive, while the other was more of a giant warehouse. The thing was complete with a reinforced garage-style door. Conveniently, this was the base, the tower AND the door involved in RED's plans.

"A'right lads," the Demoman loaded his grenade launcher, "we go, kill everyone in sight an' go home."

Aaaand… action.

The Pyro, Soldier and Demoman advanced on the base, and once in range the last two unleashed a volley of rockets and grenades on the tower. Immediately alarms rang out and frantic shouts could be heard from inside. By this time the Pyro was close enough to use the flame thrower and set the collapsing BLU tower on fire. The Pyro laughed happily.

With the distraction fully underway, the Scout and Spy moved out, skirting the courtyard to open the big door.

The Scout sprinted, much faster than the other classes, while the Spy moved at a quick but more stealthy approach. Neither of them had anticipated there would be a sentry gun around the side of the building…

Now the BLU team was fully aware of the attack they burst from the remains of the tower and several hidden side doors. Firing all the while, the Soldier and Demoman fell back to the Heavy and Medic. God knows where the Pyro had gone.

"Anyone hurt?" the Medic asked, prepping his medigun. As everybody responded 'no' the Heavy started to spin his minigun and the others reloaded their weapons;

"We go know?" the Heavy said impatiently, cheering when the team nodded. They ran out, hoping the door would open soon, and began to fight the retaliating BLUs.

"Aw, crap!" the Scout cried, darting to the side as the sentry took aim. He kept running to just barely dodge the bullets when a small object skittered across the ground toward the gun. The Spy's sapper disabled the turret within moments. However a BLU Engineer swung around the corner, pistol aimed at the the currently-fully-visable-standing-right-there-in-a-snazzy-suit RED Spy. Just before the Engineer could pull the trigger, the Scout bolted toward him and yelled;

"BONK!" as his bat proceeded to crack through his helmet and crush his skull. Ew.

Deciding they were even after their efforts, the Scout and Spy hurried into the building.

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**This may be an ideal time to mention I changed a couple of mechanics, such as the sappers**

**Basically they work instantly and don't have to be put on in melee range :p**

**And OHMYGOD I got reviews! :D Thank you so much to EggplantWitch and Crimson Banner for that! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three!

~PYROLAND~

The Pyro was in a state of pure and utter joy. It stood on a collapsed tower of multi-coloured building blocks, spinning around and spreading happiness with its rainbow… eh, device? An adorable little kid fluttered up to the Pyro, who grinned and pulled out a lollypop.

~THE BLU TOWER~

The Pyro decapitated a nearby BLU Soldier with its fire axe, humming the entire time.

Meanwhile in the courtyard, the Heavy unleashed Hell, flanked by the Soldier and Demoman and followed closely by the Medic. Sasha the minigun ripped through waves of opponents quite easily, but there were lots of waves and limited ammo. See the problem?

As it was, the Soldier had only a couple of rockets left and the Demoman was down to his sticky bomb launcher.

"How is it," the Soldier growled, "there's only nine of us and about a million of _these _maggots!?"

No one had an answer to offer. How sad.

Suddenly a loud buzz emitted through the battlefield, and warehouse door began to creak open.

"Go, go, go!" the Medic shouted. Actually people could only assume this, because whatever he said was in German. Just then the RED Scout ducked back outside and fled toward his teammates, pursued by the remaining members of the BLU team. In fact 'remaining' makes it sound like there weren't many. To clarify, there were loads. "Oh."

The Scout made it back, breathless but, at least, breathing. The Medic trained his medigun on the Scout, enquiring as to where the Spy was.

"I dunno- ah, thanks doc- he backstabbed this BLU Sniper and, like, turned in 'em."

Oh yeah, the Sniper…

* * *

**So I realised this was an even tinier chapter and figured it could go up today aswell**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four!

~RED BASE~

"Bored…" sighed the RED Sniper, staring blankly out the window whilst leaning on his rifle. The Engineer sat elsewhere in the room, strumming a few careless notes on his guitar.

"Go call your parents or somethin'," he mumbled wearily. The Sniper abruptly stood straight and stared more intently out the window,

"Hold the phone…" he said in a whisper, adjusting his shades. The Engineer laughed without humour;

"Clever," he smirked, setting down the guitar and leaning back. The Sniper retrieved his gun;

"Nah, really, mate," he gestured to the window, "I think someone's there." The Engineer stood and pulled out his wrench, suddenly alert. "Yeah, look," the Sniper called quietly, "BLU Pyro and Medic. Weird, thought I saw three of 'em."

"Doesn't matter; seems like they don't think anyone's home," the Engineer walked to the hall/main entrance where he'd moved his sentry and armed it, "so I'm gonna set this thing on them 'fore they see us." With that he hit the switch beside him, lifting the metal cover over the entrance. Instantly the sentry fired, and outside the BLU Medic screamed in pain, followed shortly by one of the Pyro. The RED Sniper, watching, confirmed both were dead.

Focused on other things as those two REDs were, they didn't notice a small shimmer in front of their base as a BLU Spy uncloaked. Much like the earlier antics of the RED Spy, this one chucked a sapper at the sentry, disarming it. This the Engineer _did _notice, and as he hurried to check on it the Spy leaped out, slashing with his knife. Fortunately (because we love Engy) the attack fell slightly short and so didn't kill him, giving the Sniper time to come to his teammates aid and stab the Spy with his kukri.

"Y'alright, Engy?" he asked, shoving the killed Spy from his blade. While the man's wound wasn't fatal, it probably hurt like Hell.

"Hurts like Hell," the Engineer groaned, "but I'm fine. Thanks." The Sniper shrugged indifferently. "Got a practical problem though- I don't have enough material here to make another gun…" The Engineer sighed. The Sniper sheathed his kukri;

"Well, I got some old metal an' stuff up in the nest," he stated, referring to his camping spot. Shutting the main door, they headed up there to take a look. The Engineer took note of several jars lying around containing yellow liquid.

"Uh… what's that?"

"That, is jarate."

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**Now would probably be an ideal time to mention I don't own TF2, because that's Valve's job :p**

**Anyway thanks for the reviews and for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five!

~THE BLU COURTYARD~

The seven RED team members had somehow managed to regroup. All of them had forgotten the extra ammo and they could barely get close enough to scavenge any either. The Heavy assessed the situation;

"We," he said, "are screwed." Just in case there was any doubt.

"Nah, _really, _big guy?" the Scout replied, shooting a couple of BLUs with his scattergun.

"I pretend this is _you_," the Heavy retorted, slamming a fist into a Scout and pounding the absolute heck out of him.

"Ooh, I'm real scared, fatty!"

"Would you stop bickering!" the Spy, who had recently returned to his original form, sighed, picking off a BLU Demoman with his revolver.

But not before they launched a grenade.

The Soldier used his last shot to rocket jump out of the way, the RED Demoman did something similar with a sticky bomb, the Scout ran out of range, and the Medic was already there, leaving the Pyro, Spy and Heavy to stand quite dumbly in the way of a falling grenade.

"Scout gimmie your bat!" the Spy shrieked in a very un-Spy-like manner as his teammates sidled behind him.

"'Kay, but I dunno if science works that way!" the Scout flung his bat at the Spy, who deftly caught it then clumsily hit the grenade away.

If one could follow the flight path of said grenade, one would watch it bounce into the BLU base, across the floor, and then explode violently against the main support pillar.

One would then see a large section of the warehouse collapse.

"…Ah." The Spy handed the Scout his bat and joined in as both teams gazed questioningly at the (now) rubble.

"Zhis," the Medic breathed, "may be an ideal time to retreat."

"Sold," the Scout responded, bolting away. The Heavy muttered;

"Coward, not like Heavy," but he followed nonetheless. The REDs followed suit, switching to their lighter weapons then fleeing for the base.

Judging by the various battle cries in the background, the BLU team were giving chase.

"They'll never take us alive!" the Soldier barked helpfully.

"Yeah, cuz they're tryin' to _kill _us!" the Scout howled back. "Oh hey there's the base," he pointed out, sprinting faster. He nearly crashed into the door and banged on it with his bat for attention. The Pyro and Soldier arrived next, all of them frantically knocking until the Engineer let them in. By then the Spy, Demoman and Medic made it, leaving the slower Heavy for last.

The situation looked bad as a BLU Spy appeared behind him, knife raised, when with a triumphant cry of 'BOOM, headshot!' the RED Sniper resolved the problem.

* * *

**Another day another chapter :p**

**Wait what. Maggot Magnet reviewed my story. DUDE YOU'RE AWESOME THANKS! :D**

**Thank you for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Quote Crimson Banner; "Jarate? NOOOOOOOOO"**

**Oh, but jarate? Yes B)**

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Chapter Six!

~RED BASE~

"How're we suppose'tae get outta this one!?" the Demoman demanded, grabbing more grenades from his store.

"Simple," the Engineer smiled, "use more gun." From there after the area was filled with sentry gun fire, minigun fire, sniper fire, and miscellaneous other fire. Including Pyro's fire-fire.

There were also angelic healing noises as the Medic fixed the Engineer's wound.

The RED team continued to defend their base, which was somewhat impressive _they could _and somewhat lame _they had to_.

"Hey, if they run back to their base, should we attack it again?" the Scout pondered, wondering if they were in an eternal loop. Nobody was kind enough to dignify this with an answer.

"Eh… everyone?" the Medic stammered, "a _lot _of Heavies are CHARGING THE BASE!" And sure enough, a large group of large Heavies stormed for the REDs, miniguns flashing.

"…Any plans?" the Soldier ventured, watching BLU members scatter to either side.

"Yep!" came the Sniper's voice from the upper floor, "Use jarate!" And much to the disgust of many a jar of the stuff flew from the window, accurately smashing over the lead Heavy. Who fell. On the battlefield. Covered in piss. Eugh.

"That's surprisingly effective!" someone commented as the team easily scored critical shots on the prone Heavy. The Sniper launched the rest of his jarate, sufficiently thinning down the number of BLU invaders.

And so, eventually, the RED team were able to prevail in their grand-ish endeavour. The remaining – this time meaning very few – BLU classes fled back to their base. Or lack of. Colourful insults from the victorious REDs pursued them;

"DOMINATED!"

"We _own'd _you!"

"Other comments go here!" …Wait, no, nobody said that one. Then, in the spirit of their team win; they mocked the Hell out of each other.

"You threw _urine _at zhem!"

"Y' would've sucked at baseball!"

"Y'all failed."

"Ever heard a' efficiency?"

"Bullet is smarter than you!"

"You ladies couldn't kill a _maggot!"_

"I… am drunk."

"Let me assure you, I hate you all."

"Mmm mm!"

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**Thanks for reading guys :p**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven!

~STILL IN THE RED BASE~

It was that time again. The team had to make… A PLAN. They had calmed down over the period of a day and returned to the central room of their base. Each person adopted a more comfortable stance than last time, but notice; around this base were budget cuts a-plenty.

Around their only table sat the Heavy on some tyres, the Sniper on his chair, the Engineer on his toolbox and the Demoman on an empty beer crate. The Soldier perched casually on the edge of same table, while the Scout took the window ledge. The Medic and Pyro had to be contented with standing against the wall.

After their victory and almost complete wipe out of BLU, the RED team had to decide A) if looting the base was still worth it and B) What the Hell were they going to do next.

"Ve'll need to take any medipacks zhey have," the Medic remarked. "I'm nearly out."

"An' there'll be a load a' materials to use," the Engineer added, putting up another 'pro clear out the BLU base'.

"Not to mention ammo," the Soldier mentioned.

"And food!" the Heavy stood excitably, knocking over a tyre. The thing spun backward at speed, shoving the Scout out of the window before tipping onto its side.

"Whoa, lil' help!" the Scout called, until a low thud announced his hitting the ground. "Ow…"

Everyone blinked.

Suddenly the Heavy burst out laughing until he made unattractive snorting noises and fell over. This meant he didn't realise the Scout had double jumped back into the base until he felt a bat hitting him really quite hard.

As the other members observed a fist fight commence the Spy said quietly;

"Perhaps we should just go, and hope they _don't _catch up."

"Aye," agreed the Demoman, picking his grenade launcher from its haphazard wall rack and moving out; the rest of the team gathered their weapons and sneaked after him.

~SIGNIFICANTLY CLOSER TO THE BLU BASE~

The RED team (lacking the Scout and Heavy) walked in a defensive formation, guns trained on the BLU base. The Sniper used his scope to zoom in on the building, and saw nothing.

"Clear," he assured, switching to a sub machine gun. Regardless, they somehow pulled together the brain power to know to stay cautious.

Then, to the world's utter horror, from behind the mountain of rubble appeared the surviving members of the BLU team; one Scout, one Soldier, one Pyro, one Heavy, one Demoman, one Engineer, one Medic, one Sniper, one Spy, and one Sandvich…

* * *

**Ooh new reviewer! Thanks Tokyo Sunset! :D**

**By the way, I write this fic in my notebook first then type it up; but the cool part is**

**Chapters are always an exact number of pages (like this one was two without a line more or less)!**

**Sorry I just thought that was interesting :p Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight!

~MEANWHILE, AT THE RED BASE~

The Scout ducked a weighty right hook and nipped around the Heavy who threw it, snapping an anger-fuelled kick into the huge man's back. The RED Heavy made a sound similar to a dog throwing up and turned to make another punch. The Scout dodged again, smirking in satisfaction as the Heavy stumbled elegantly forwards.

"That's what y'get for messin' with me!" the Scout taunted, "I'm a force a' nature! Waitasec where'd everyone go?" he asked rhetorically, glancing around the semi-empty room.

In this moment of hesitance, the Heavy speared him to the ground.

~BACK AT BLU BASE~

"…So this is interesting," the Engineer offered, though he was probably going for 'downright awkward'. The nine BLUs opposite them wore furious expressions, as though they were… _furious _or something.

"I predict," the Soldier stated dramatically, "that a series of clichéd showdowns will soon commence."

"For that, we'd need the Scout and Heavy, idiot!" the Medic objected, abruptly wondering where Archimedes was. The RED team froze as the BLUs slowly strode toward them. "Vell then. Never mind."

"Someone call the base!" hissed the Spy; oddly enough, the Pyro suddenly took out a phone from (seemingly) nowhere.

"Where did you even-?" the Demoman cut himself off with an exasperated sigh. Don't question these things.

~RED HIZOUSE~

The fighting Scout and Heavy knocked over the spontaneous base phone, unintentionally answering it.

~YEAH BLU BASE~

"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed the phone. Well, not the phone, the stuff going down at the end of the line.

"Hm." The Pyro murmured, and witnesses would report they had no idea where the phone went.

"If we fan out," the Sniper suggested, "we'd prob'ly only have t'fight our own class. And a couple a' you would get two."

"I'd be willing to take on the Sandvich," someone offered generously, but they were ignored. The opted to spread out, and take what came at them. Sure enough, all the BLU classes split off to face their 'doubles', save the Heavy and Scout who hung back. They readied themselves to jump to the defensive of a teammate in trouble.

Some kind of epic unspoken signal rippled over the courtyard, an important command;

GAME ON.

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**Thanks so much for the faves and reviews guys! You're so awesome! :D**

**Just a heads up that the next few chapters are gonna be pretty short**

**I suck at showdowns, clichéd or not :p**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine!

~WEST OF THE COURTYARD~

Both Soldiers simultaneously clanged their shovels against their helmets, screeching a relatively manly war cry. The BLU one raised his rocket launcher, swiftly taking aim for his opponent. The RED Soldier, who had seized his shotgun instead, ran tensely toward him, ready to sidestep.

With surprisingly good reaction time for someone who can barely see past their own helmet, the RED Soldier evaded the oncoming rocket like a pro.

The other Soldier dived for cover as the RED fired his shotgun, and he somehow hit the dirt unscathed. Muttering something about honour and hippies, the RED Soldier squeezed the trigger again.

And his gun jammed.

The BLU Soldier frantically whipped out his shovel and chopped the shotgun clean from the other Soldier's grip;

"Nice try, dumbass!" he yelled, clambering ungracefully to his feet and brandishing his shovel like a warrior's proud blade. (?)

The RED Soldier, deprived of his gun, wasn't sure what to think of this. He decided the best course of action would be to back off and blow up this jerk. Fail-proof.

As a distraction, he threw his own shovel at the enemy's face, then hefted his rocket launcher and took off backwards. Holding his now busted nose, the BLU Soldier grabbed his shotgun and gave chase. He fired a shot which went high and only succeeded in flinging the RED's helmet off.

"You're gonna _pay _for that, maggot!" he shouted, retaliating by jumping as high as he could, pointing that trusty ol' rocket launcher down, and thoroughly obliterating the BLU Soldier below.

RED: 1 BLU: 0

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**Showdown numbah one!**

**Thanks for putting up with it :p**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten!

~A LITTLE BIT LESS WEST OF THE COURTYARD~

The two Demomans… Demomen…? charged at each other, blabbering fluent gibberish as they focused hazily through a cloud of drunkenness.

Almost at the same time both of them began to advance in a zigzag path, launching and dodging grenades and creating craters.

"I'm sendin' yae back to Hell!" the RED Demoman claimed, as the BLU retorted;

"Yer already in Hell!"

Then he realised what a lame comeback that was and got a tad angrier. Driven as such by this, the BLU Demoman pulled off a frighteningly close shot, hurling the RED to the side. As he went to check the new ditch for signs of life though, he curiously found no RED Demoman.

Only a red sticky bomb.

As it detonated the BLU jumped away, scarcely managing to save himself. He laughed loudly for effect, and after this they merely resumed their repetitive 'nade rush.

In the end, they actually got within a few feet of each other, looking awkwardly at their weapons; they couldn't shoot without blowing themselves up too.

"Um…" the RED Demoman grumbled, as his new arch enemy shuffled uncomfortably in his immediate line of sight. Shrugging, the red-clad cyclops pulled out a beer bottle and promptly whacked the other man upside the head. He proceeded to drain the bottle as the opposing Demoman fell, dead, in the dirt.

"Never givin' up alcohol!" he slurred, somewhat contented.

RED: 2 BLU: 0

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**...That one was worse, wasn't it? :p**

**Uh, just a heads up (because I'll forget at the time) we might miss Friday's update**

**Going to a mate's house almost right after school, but maybe there'll be time :/**

**Meh. Thanks for the reviews and stuff! You guys rule! :D**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven!

~DISCLOSED CAMPING SPOT IN THE COURTYARD~

No one had seemed to notice, but three pairs of RED and BLU classes – the Spies, Engineers, and Snipers – had not so much fanned out as changed location to go do other things.

For example, the RED Sniper had crept around the outskirts of the courtyard until he discovered a suitable camping spot and flipped out his sniper rifle.

"Where'd you go, mate?" He swept the courtyard through his scope, searching for his BLU counterpart. Apparently, they both saw each other at the same time, because one fired and the other ducked. The RED Sniper reloaded swiftly, scanning once more. In the nick of time he spotted the man and leapt to the side, hearing a bullet slam into stone behind him, all too likely at head height.

The race had begun; both Snipers applied their L33T skills and carried on moving, traversing through rubble and keeping their adversary in sight. They fired extremely accurate shots but were always predicted, being fellow Snipers. However, the RED had subtly been drawing closer all the while. With a slight smile he got into range, and wrenched out his SMG.

"Don't worry, I'm a professional," he quoted coolly, emptying a clip in the direction of the BLU Sniper. Finally surprised, the BLU dropped his rifle and scampered out of the way, yet a sharp noise of pain escaped from his general direction, implying he'd been hit.

This was the distraction the RED Sniper needed. Taking his rifle once more, he aimed for his rival's head and pulled the trigger. He briefly raised his hat in polite acknowledgement.

Evidently, the BLU Scout had gone to assist his Sniper teammate but only arrived in time to avenge. Sprinting too quickly for the Sniper to shoot on such short notice, he soon had his scattergun pointed at the RED's torso.

Then of all things a bat clubbed the BLU Scout in the face.

"Someone order a beatin'?"

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**Sniper I'm sorry you were meant to be so much more awesome but I drew a blank and arghhhh**

**Um. Thanks for the reviews :)**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve!

~UH. SOMEWHERE~

The RED Scout laughed mockingly then turned fleetingly to the Sniper.

"You didn't really think I'd miss a battle, did ya?"

Having witnessed the second of two awesome Scout saves within the span of this story, the Sniper shook his head and left his teammate to it, casually sitting down for a nice wee rest.

Lifting his bat, the RED Scout dashed after the BLU, who had retreated a little distance. Moments before he was in owch-fatal-scattergun-shot range he double jumped, a unique trait to Scouts, and landed behind his foe. Swinging his bat, he said;

"_I'm _the Scout around here!" The BLU Scout spun and blocked with the barrel of his gun;

"First we'll see who's faster- oh wait that's me!" he ran again, circling around; the RED Scout switched to his pistol and fired a couple of shots- they missed.

Deciding that was just about _it _(dramatic emphasis) the RED Scout hefted his own scattergun and started to sprint. The BLU turned, shooting, but without breaking stride the RED one veered safely away, then fired as well. In response the other Scout double jumped, changing direction in midair to get clear. The RED Scout reloaded in this quick opportunity and waited for a chance to attack. However, the BLU was annoying enough to find one first.

The RED Scout dodged the worst, but he inhaled sharply in pain as a shard of bullet grazed his lower back.

The other Scout grinned, oddly proud and mildly demonic-looking. He then rushed off again. The RED one, raging, pursued him. Suddenly he was gaining ground, closing the gap between them. Forming a smug smile of his own, the RED Scout caught up completely, and fired.

RED: 4 BLU: 0

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**Did ya miss me? :D**

**Nah course not, you're all just here for the showdowns :p**


	13. Chapter 13

**Aww thanks Crimson Banner! Have an Engy showdown :D**

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Chapter Thirteen!

~REMAINS OF THE BLU BASE~

The RED Engineer stepped back from his hastily built sentry, putting his wrench away and drawing his pistol instead. He glanced briefly to a smaller, hidden turret on a mound of rubble in the corner (which he built without the gunslinger because screw mechanics) before he sauntered around the 'room.'

He had no idea where the BLU Engineer was, though he quite correctly assumed they'd be building guns too. However, because he had had longer to do so, his fired _rockets._

Comparing the destructive value of bullets and rockets, one would find rockets kick ass.

Also, they kick walls.

The partially collapsed wall in front of the RED Engineer's sentry exploded violently, pieces of flying debris damaging the gun. The Engy ducked behind it as it opened fire, aiming for the now visible BLU Engineer. The bullets however flew past as he teleported away, yet fortunately they hit and destroyed the rocket turret.

"Where'd he build the other teleporter?" the RED Engineer wondered aloud, checking his sentry. Something clattered softly behind him; he whirled around, ready on the trigger of his pistol. There was a flash of blue as the other Engy rushed past and the RED one fired, but if he even hit anything it definately wasn't vital.

The RED Engineer was forced to abandon his sentry as a rocket variety one shot at him, and the turret valiantly took the hit. Thinking quickly, the Engineer threw his wrench past the rocket sentry, distracting the thing just long enough for him to sidle around it and get out of its sight. He then traced the approximate path of the BLU Engineer's, and (imagine run away music) after finding him gave chase with his pistol. This went on for a short while until eventually the RED's plan came into effect- driving the BLU almost right into the mini sentry gun.

RED: still a lot more than BLU!

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**Well the REDs are the main characters, what do you expect? :p**

**Thank you so much for the reviews everyone! Give yourselves a pat on the back! :)**

**(If you can't reach get someone else to do it cuz you're awesome and deserve it!)**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen!

~SOMEWHAT FURTHER EAST OF THE COURTYARD~

The Medics, as they ambled toward each other, wondered how the Hell this was going to go down. They were _doctors _Godammit, known less for fighting and more for insanity- healing. Healing. And birds.

They had their syringe guns out, holding the peculiar weapons in front of them.

The RED Medic's gaze flittered to his fighting teammates, and he knew if he died, those idiots would definitely die. So the man got his swagger on, adjusted his specs, and PRACTICED MEDICINE.

Which means he opened fire like the mad man he is. The other Medic did the same and soon they were sidestepping in an infinite circle, trying to outpace the syringes or block them in some way. At one point they got confused and nearly crashed into each other; instantly they grabbed their bone saws and attempted to hack away at the rival Medic.

Sometime about then, the RED Heavy arrived, having followed the Scout at a concerning quick pace. Vowing to get him later, the Heavy turned to the nearest battle; that of the Medics.

They were flat out duelling now, partially broken syringe guns having taken too many blows at their feet. Also they'd reverted back to German, so no funny dialogue.

Anyway, yeah, they were fencing like that time the Spy got drunk when – from _nowhere _– the RED Heavy ploughed into the BLU Medic, spinning his minigun and crushing the life out of the man.

Without looking up, the Heavy then formed a 'gun' with one hand, cried 'POW!' and OHKO'd (in this instance, killed) the approaching BLU Heavy. The Medic stared dumbly.

"VHAT ZHE-"

RED: 7 BLU: Nothin'

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**Heh heh, like the Medics, I had no idea how that was gonna happen :P**

**(Oh and hai dere Heavy!)**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen!

~PYROLAND~

The RED Pyro quite contentedly strolled along. All the nearby kids were playing with their BLU friends, so it walked, blissfully ignorant, alone. Except for the Balloonicorn. It never left.

The Pyro then locked eye contact (possibly, it's a little hard to tell) with someone across the meadow.

Someone just like itself.

"Mmm…" it mumbled suspiciously, taking note the rainbow thing – what _is _it called? – the other Pyro held. An imposter? Perhaps destroying the world by making it _too _awesome? Impossible!

The Pyro would have to fight happiness with happiness.

~REALITY; OUTSIDE BLU BASE~

The Pyro duo fought fire with fire, mostly protected by their suits, though rainbow burn seemed a real possibility.

They weren't thinking enough to simply stand back, pull out a shotgun, pwn the other guy in the face, and be done with it.

~PYROLAND~

Rainbows – rainbows – rainbows – rainbows – rainbows – rainbows – rainbows – RAINBOWS

~REALITY~

The RED Pyro had applied a little cleverness to the situation. It began to use its flame thrower to 'guide' the BLU Pyro toward a tall pillar where the tower was. The base of it was wooden, the part which the Pyro burned, causing the pillar to fall.

It landed directly on the BLU Pyro, essentially trapping them. Like, painfully.

~PYROLAND~

The RED Pyro approached its happiness rival, lollypop in tow. Making a sound that could have meant 'EAT FRIENDSHIP!' he attacked, fairly brutally, with the thing.

RED: 8. Seeing a pattern here? BLU: 0

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**Not much to say about this one :p**

**Thanks for reading!**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen!

~ELSEWHERE~

Finally, both Spies had crept away too. In fact the RED had a visual of the BLU, had cloaked and was sneaking behind them. He flipped out his butterfly knife quietly, and expertly unconcealed the blade.

As he lunged for the BLU Spy's back he was spotted just a sec too early and he only cut a shallow line down the man's arm. Discovered, the RED Spy ran off and vanished.

Grumbling, the BLU stopped to examine the wound when a voice called;

"Hey, need a Medic?" The Spy looked around to see the BLU Medic. He smiled eerily, replying;

"Please."

As the Medic walked to him, the Spy slowly reached for his own knife. Then, less discreetly yelling;

"AH HAH!" he spun and stabbed at the 'Medic'.

The RED Spy, out his disguise, was standing at least a foot out of range, awkwardly holding his knife in the 'imma stab yo back' position.

Thus began another small fencing match, until the RED Spy saw common sense, un-holstered his revolver, and fired.

At nothing. The BLU Spy had cloaked.

"That's problematic," the RED Spy summarised, turning on the spot. Then he suddenly tripped and his leg shot backward, _hitting _something.

In fact, it felt a lot like he'd just kicked a man, very hard, in the crotch.

The RED Spy spun and shot the uncloaked, humiliated BLU Spy. Dead. Results;

RED: All nine wins (sandvich taken hostage.)

* * *

**Morning update on account of my sister's birthday!**

**Thanks for the reviews guys/girls/Pyros!**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen!

~BLU BASE~

As it turned out, most of the 'clichéd showdowns' (thank you Soldier) had ended at roughly the same time. The victorious RED team regrouped at the BLU's base ex-warehouse section. In turn the Medic fixed everyone's injuries; the Demoman's various 'I got blown up' scrapes, the Scout's lower spine, a few shrapnel wounds on the Engineer and some minor burns of the Pyro's. Plus the Heavy's embarrassing 'I got beaten up by a kid' bruises.

He calmed down obediently once told he could have the sandvich later.

The teammates then explored the ruined BLU base, hoarding all the useful stuff like med kits, ammo, metal, and they also found the weapons and helmet lost in the fight.

Loaded with swag, the REDs made their way back to their own base. They passed also through that bit near their base where a crap ton of dead BLU people still lay. They were ignored.

~RED BASE~

Everyone dumped the stuff at the door and marched right on through to the central area, where and when they finally got a chance to sit down and rest. The Scout subtly shut the window.

There was silence, then;

"Uh… what now?" the Sniper asked – decent question. Everyone put their weapons down thoughtfully.

"It's inevitable," the Spy offered, smoking in this semi-public place, "that the other BLU organisations will find out about recent events and attack us." The Demoman passed around bottles of beer he'd 'borrowed' from the BLUs, remarking;

"And until then?" The Engineer took a swig of beer;

"Increase defence around this place?" he suggested, thoughts going out to his destroyed sentries.

"We got any Bonk around here?" Scout enquired randomly, putting down his unopened beer.

"What, aren't you old enough to drink, son?" the Soldier mocked meanly. The Scout made a certain rude sign and walked out, searching for the atomic fruit punch.

Out of the blue the Pyro started gesticulating frantically in the general direction of the table.

"Hang on, I'm good at this," the Medic claimed, intently watching the Pyro for a few moments. "Big? Nein, fat? Oh, Heavy. Heavy is-"

"_OH GOD!_" Everyone's line of sight swivelled, concerned, toward where the Scout was yelling. He burst into the room, glaring at his teammates. "Who let Heavy get to the sammich!?"

Without time to blame each other the RED classes scattered, screaming at a frighteningly high pitch 'RUN!' and fleeing the Heavy's insane laughter.

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**Showdowns over! Have some sandvich fun :D**

**Oh uh, my Internet is being a little unpredictable :/**

**So if very late or no update- blame it! *runs away (from Heavy)***


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen!

~OUTSIDE THE RED BASE~

"Can't we just kill 'im?" the Scout grumbled, cowering with the other REDs outside while the Heavy messed up inside.

"Fine," the Demoman agreed, "er, Sniper- you go do it."

"Left ma rifle in there," the Sniper excused himself quickly.

"'Sides, we can't kill a teammate," the Engineer judged. A loud crash came from inside, "Was that my new dispenser? Son of a-"

"We gotta do _something _or this chapter's gonna suck!" the Soldier said.

"Okay, you go take him out," the Scout commanded, still slightly pissed at the Soldier. Hiding his knife, the Spy asked;

"Right, who still has a weapon?" Hesitantly a fire axe, kukri and bat were raised. "Problem solved. You're the only one with a potentially non-lethal weapon, Scout. See you soon."

"Maybe…" someone muttered, barely audible.

"What? No!" the Scout protested, "I already fought Heavy and he's… heavy. Offense intended."

"You stole a BLU Heavy's sandvich a while back." The Medic pointed out.

"Exactly man; that was pre-sammich. I ain't goin' near 'im now." The Demoman, so drunk he was sober, proposed;

"What if w' all rush 'em at once? Let's do it!" Maybe he was still drunk after all.

"Could add a little comedy to this speech-heavy lull," the Soldier considered, "just tackle the man, clonk his lights out and wait for the ol' sammich to wear off." The team gradually accepted with murmurs of 'sounds like a plan…'

"Wellp," the Sniper summoned the REDs, "charge!"

Logic, where art thou?

* * *

**This can only end well! :3**

**Thanks for reading!**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen!

~IN RED BASE~

"AUGH MY SPINE!"

"ALL MY BLOOD!"

The Soldier and Scout screamed respectively, discouraging the classes yet to encounter the Heavy. But perhaps they were simply over-reacting. Who knows!

"ME NECK!" the Demoman choked, "E'S GOT ME NECK!" The Pyro also made strangled noises, confused as to how a wee kid was able to throttle it quite so effortlessly.

"I'M BLEEDING! EVERYVHERE!" the Medic contributed, presumably injured in some fashion.

"Oh that hurts… oh my God I _really _hurt," the Engy groaned as the Sniper cried out in pain and the Heavy laughed away like a maniac. It would appear the plan had failed.

And the Soldier didn't find it very funny.

* * *

**Ohnoes. :C**

**Wow that's a tiny chapter, you can have another one later today :3**

**Thanks for the reviews!**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty!

~RED BASE~

Not one of the REDs knew how much time had gone by- all nine of them had passed out.

The Heavy, over his sandvich rush, woke first. He glanced sheepishly around the red-with-blood RED base and unconscious teammates. Conflicted, he wandered away to find more food.

Several silent minutes drifted on before, conveniently, the Medic blinked awake next, sitting up with a low groan.

Sighing, as he was being overworked recently, the doctor rummaged through the base (stopping to barf twice) until locating his medigun. Mercifully the thing was undamaged. On his weary trip back he heard the Scout dizzily state;

"I feel light-headed…" before the kid fainted again. The Medic muttered a little German to himself then began the irritating and degrading task of healing himself.

Soon recovering, after some awkward poses and medigun placements, the Medic grabbed the nearest RED- the Pyro. He dragged it onto the table, mounting his medigun on the Engineer-designed rack above. Activating the healing beam the Medic patiently fixed the Pyro's squished throat and other injuries.

Upon waking the Pyro fell off the table and landed upside down in a beer crate. The Medic made a 'tsk' and walked to his next patient, the Scout.

He didn't seem to have any blood.

"Hm," the Medic strode casually to the stuck Pyro and borrowed some of its blood, until the Scout had woken too. Both healed men were forced to start tidying the base as the Medic got to work on the Soldier's spine. He had to use some unusual substitutes for his spinal cord (as a surprising amount of it was missing) but he made it work. Next he saved the Demoman's neck with little trouble and patched up the Engineer and Sniper's wounds.

Finally everyone helped to carve the Spy from where he was embedded in the wall, and the Medic then eventually managed to repair all the broken bones. He gave a start when he noticed the Heavy sitting at the table, chillin' like he owned it.

"How long've you been zhere?"

The Heavy shrugged, smiling and sniffing loudly. Mildly concerned for their lives, the mercs casually armed themselves, melee weapons in hand.

"Hey," the Heavy said abruptly, "remember when we had good base? Not like this shed." The team nodded, fearful of where he was going with this. "We should get that base back." He finished.

Ooh, how they lost the old base and ended up in this hole. That story may require some explanation.

* * *

**Oh look! Plot! :D**

**Never thought that would happen! Double updates are fun :3**

**Thanks for reading and stuff!**


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One!

~'GOOD' RED BASE~

The nine members of the RED team had been awesomely relaxing in their awesome base an awesome amount of time ago. Basically, everything was awesome.

All of a sudden the alarm blared throughout the building. Throwing the magazine he was totally not reading over one shoulder, the RED Soldier dashed to the alarm board only to hear;

"Intruder alert! BLU-" before the voice cut off uselessly, along with every electrical thing in the base besides the lighting. Having only heard the alarm, the rest of the mercs shrugged and assumed the Pyro merely set something on fire again.

At the time, the Pyro was actually on the roof.

As it was the Soldier grabbed his weapons and ran out, yelling stuff about defending the base. It wasn't too before he'd found his teammates; they weren't doing anything remotely constructive.

Taking note of the armed Soldier, the Engineer sighed,

"I _told _you he'd find out we used his rocket launcher to clean the bathroom." The Scout whistled, subtly suggesting he had nothing to do with it.

"You thought 'blow up' was the same as 'clean' bathroom?" someone grumbled, having a certain need to be cared for.

"What? No!" the Soldier shouted, a little aggravated, "the BLU team is in the base!"

This caused the spark of 'oh crud better move' vibes among the REDs, who had only small/secondary/miscellaneous weapons on them.

As it happened the Heavy had to lead the way, because he took up the entire corridor. Unfortunately, it was a very big base and the Heavy quickly got lost. They were in the garage. And then, knowing they were short of time, everyone piled into the Sniper's RV, and he drove it through the freakin' hallways.

With the Engineer and Scout crushed in the back with the Heavy, the Demoman and Soldier hanging out the door, the Sniper driving, the Spy in the passenger seat and the Medic on the roof, they made quite a sight. Sadly, the satnav didn't have intel room directions.

They were well and truly lost in the labyrinth of corridors when someone (presumably a BLU) shot one of their tyres, turning the RV awkwardly around a corner until suddenly the RED team was outside. The base door locked behind them.

"…That wasn't my intention." The Sniper offered after a pause.

"Did they just steal our base?" the Scout asked slowly. No one replied, stunned. That's about when the Pyro fell from the sky and landed on the bonnet, making absolute certain the car was busted.

"...Well this sucks." The Demoman commented, and damn was he right.

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**They really were idiots, huh? :p**

**...Why, no, they're not any smarter now either**

**Thank you for the reviews! :D**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two!

~CRAPPY RED BASE~

The entire team recalled the fated events of that day, known to the historians as Big-Ass Failure. They all remembered the attempts to recapture their base, but when ringing the doorbell didn't work there was little that could be done.

So they'd set up their current box of a base and made do while the BLUs took over their old one. And they still had a bunch of other BLU bases.

The RED team in their single base began to see the Heavy's point. Also, they'd recently taken enough blows to the head to be beyond stupid.

"Road trip to old base!" most of the classes demanded, looking expectantly at the Sniper.

"What, d'you think I've bin' hidin' a car somewhere all this time?" The eight others admitted they kind of had done.

LAME WALKING TRIP TO OLD BASE!

Feet dragging, the tired RED mercs began their epic journey. They'd taken only a few crucial supplies along- like beer and toilet paper.

How they knew which direction to go was a mystery.

As it was they had passed through the woods and were in some kind of plane. It was windy as a Heavy's fart but significantly colder.

… That was gross. Sorry.

Anyway about halfway across the team encountered the remains of a building. And another, and yet more until they realised it was an entire ruined city. The Medic chuckled;

"If I didn't know better, I'd say ve vere about to go through _another _lengthy battle. Ah ha ha."

Three seconds later BLU team members flooded from all the buildings around them.

"Aw, Hell," muttered the Scout.

* * *

**Spamming fight scenes because Hell to the yeah B)**

**Knowing how stupid these guys are, it probably will take them a _wee_ while to do anything constructive**

**Thanks for reading!**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three!

~RUINED CITY~

The RED team cursed viciously as they dived for cover. Unscathed, they made it into a stone building consisting of three dusty white walls and a low wooden door on one hinge. After a few moments of BLU gunfire they lost said door.

The team cowered in the corner, which fortunately was facing the correct way against the BLUs. The RED Spy slithered along the wall and peered cautiously around the edge;

"They have three buildings in use and several men on the ground," he reported, drawing back. The Pyro motioned meaningfully to its flame thrower. Understanding, the Engineer said;

"Good point- any Pyros close enough to threaten this place?" The Spy answered no and so the REDs allowed themselves to hurriedly make a battle plan; one offence, defence and support class would team up and take one building. They moved out.

Heh heh. Cliffhanger.

* * *

**42 reviews! That's the best number! Thanks guys! :D**

**(Don't worry, it's a double update today!)**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four!

~HEADING FOR LEFTMOST ENEMY BUILDING~

The RED Scout bolted from cover, leading the Engineer and Sniper to a random wall further up. Ducking behind it, the three of them checked their weapons. Also the Engineer punched a hole in the wall with his wrench for the Sniper to snipe through.

Focusing on his scope, the Sniper counted around ten-fifteen BLUs at the target.

"It's on." He stated, pulling the trigger and immediately nailing a Heavy through the head. As he loaded his rifle again the Scout and Engineer moved toward the building. The Scout rushed past the oncoming gunfire and let his scattergun rip through a couple of BLUs.

The Engineer covered his teammate from behind with his shotgun, finishing some more. The Sniper picked off a few whilst the Engy and Scout retreated to his position, bullets chasing them.

"That was kinda fun," the Engineer shrugged, "ready for round two?" The Scout nodded in response, glad to use his specialty of hit and run tactics.

"Wait, get down!" the Sniper drew back his gun and hit the dirt. A split second later a blue grenade came down and annihilated their wall, sending people and debris flying.

Now badly exposed in a mob of a battlefield, the three dazed mercs staggered up, frantically assessing their injuries.

Feeling about as dandy as an exploded bloke can, each of the men snatched their weapons from the ground.

"C'mon move, guys, move!" the Scout shoved his teammates ahead of him, looking drunk as he followed. Bullets ricochet around them as they stumbled into the protection of a collapsed building.

"There were only four left," the Engineer panted, nodding in the general direction of their assigned enemies.

"Demoman's the priority," Sniper responded, the explosion fresh in his mind. These things aren't easily forgotten, see. "Right, here's an idea," the Sniper adjusted his hat, thinking. "Engy, you stay here an' cover me in case anyone else shows up. Scout- go distract 'im. I need a clear shot, fast."

"We got your back kid," the Engineer added, "as long as y' tear him a new behind that is…"

"Meh. I got this," the Scout hefted his bat, dog tags chinking with the motion. Tensing to regain a little balance, he sprinted off. As soon as he left an enemy Scout arrived, who was clobbered with the Engineer's wrench. So no chase scene. Phew.

The first thing the RED Scout noticed was the crap-ton of bullets and explosives heading for him. Zigzagging, he evaded, and clubbed a Spy dead with his bat. He also killed a Pyro, leaving the Demoman on the roof and a Heavy. The RED Engineer got the latter with his pistol, but not before a minigun shot slammed into the Scout's shoulder. He cursed loudly, skirting sideways, and accidently distracted the Demoman long enough for the Sniper to take his shot.

EPIC WIN!

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**Meh, battle fun. Thanks for reading! :3**


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five!

~MIDDLE ENEMY BUILDING~

The second team consisted of the RED Soldier, Heavy and Medic. The Soldier ran point, rocket launcher at the ready. The Heavy, spinning his minigun, was next in line in front of the Medic prepping his medigun.

Their master strategy was to charge at the central building and ideally kill everyone in sight. Easy win, right?

The Soldier raised his weapon, but just as he fired a scattergun blast narrowly avoided his legs, and Hell knows where that particular rocket went. Taking his shovel he put an end to the nearby BLU Scout then switched for his shotgun.

Meanwhile the RED Heavy opened fire, striding toward the building accompanied by the Medic. As they destroyed all the BLUs in between the buildings the Soldier fell back to them;

"The maggots are retreating into the house!" he loaded the rocket launcher, "give 'em Hell!" He aimed for the remainder of the roof and watched in satisfaction as it caved in, crushing BLU mercs. By then, the three RED members had pulled out their close-quarter weapons as they were mere feet from the door.

They all charged in, screeching battle cries, which instantly died to girlish screams as they barrelled back outside. A huge explosion was right behind them.

"Zhat's just cheap!" the Medic grumbled, "who rigs doors with sticky bombs!?" The Soldier just made a manly frustrated sound and retrieved his gun. Glancing at their target, the REDs found quite a few opponents were still in there.

Having a rare brainwave, the Heavy asked excitably;

"Doctor, can you do that cool thing again with the medicine gun?"

"Übercharge, you mean?" the Medic pondered, "I don't see why not. Soldier, go keep zhem busy while I do zhis."

Saluting, the Soldier rushed away. The Heavy shifted happily as the Medic began to fiddle with the medigun.

The Soldier approached the BLU team, firing his shotgun like nobody's business. The only reason he wasn't immediately slaughtered is because he's a main character. He also got shot in the foot.

Fortunately for him that's when the Heavy hurried past, yelling the 'I am bulletproof!' line again. The Medic jogged after him, medigun trained on the glowing (?) man.

The Soldier opted to stand by on one leg and just watch.

The Heavy and Medic meanwhile stormed the BLU building, invincible Heavy shooting the equivalent of over five hundred thousand dollars worth in custom-made bullets, more or less.

In under a minute, the battle was won.

"That was fun!" the Heavy decided. Wait- both defence classes so far thought it fun, both offense were shot, both teams got blown up… Nah. Like that would happen three times.

Anyway somewhere off to the left a voice called for;

"Medic!"

* * *

**'Sup guys, bringing you another fighty chapter :)**

**Thank you for reviewing! ;D Makes my day!**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six!

~OTHER BLU BUILDING~

Finally the Pyro, Demoman and Spy made the last team who were to attack the rightmost building. Their method was to sneak the Spy in there, flush every BLU out and finish them with fire and bombs. It was a little too far for the cloaking device to hold up though.

"Just keep me hidden until I can get behind the building," the Spy instructed. The Demoman, happy to oblige, launched a 'nade and the Spy darted to hide in the wake of the explosion. The Pyro then put up an epic wall of flames, allowing the Spy to move further without being seen.

The BLU team started to shoot at the Demoman and Pyro, who kept low and continued to hide the Spy as they transferred between pieces of cover.

After a while the RED Spy was close enough to slip unseen around the building, leaving the Pyro and Demoman to withdraw and maintain fire on the BLUs. They couldn't score many hits though as everyone was inside.

During this time, the Spy cloaked and crept stealthfully through the door, sidling past a few BLUs until he reached the back wall. Hugging it (aww!) he uncloaked and flipped out his butterfly knife.

Spotting a Sniper aiming for his teammates through the door, the Spy glanced around then backstabbed them. Now satisfied no one was near enough to notice him using his disguise kit, he did so and became a BLU Sniper.

Shouting to his 'teammates', the 'Sniper' – hey, inverted commas are awesome – lied;

"Ev'ryone get outta here; we got a RED sticky aboutta detonate!" Believing him, the BLUs fled the structure, waiting for the _boom._ None came.

"My bad." The again Spy-shaped-Spy said coolly, taking off some dude's head with his revolver.

Amongst all this commotion the RED Pyro and Demoman were back on the attack, easily slaying large crowds of BLU team mercs.

The Pyro contentedly waved its flame thrower back and forth and the Demoman threw just about every bomb in existence. Soon the fight was over. SUCCESS!

And even better, they didn't get shot, blown up, or say it was fun!

Seven seconds later the Pyro accidently shot itself in the arm and Demoman accidently shot a grenade, which bounced off a wall and almost killed the three of them.

"…That was fun," he proceeded to say as the Spy facepalmed and the Pyro made a muffled, unheard call for Medic.

Feeling really rather stupid, the REDs went to regroup with their team.

* * *

**Yeah! Exlposions! :D YEAH.**

**Uh, thanks for reading! :p**


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty Seven!

~DAT RUINED CITY~

The Medic, after healing the Soldier's foot, him and the Heavy over to the Engineer and Sniper who had called him;

"Scout's hurt," the Engy told him shortly, taking them there. The Spy and Demoman caught up too, while the wounded Pyro followed slowly, feeling a bit neglected.

They found Scout and mended his shoulder, helping him up. As they continued to unintentionally ignore the Pyro, it snapped. However, just as it was about to remove the mask to make itself heard – once and for all determining _what _it was – the Medic noticed and apologised while fixing its arm.

"Wait a second." The Medic stated abruptly, "Genuine concern for own teammates? Vorking somewhat vell as a team? Not currently killing each other!?" The terrible realisation dawned;

"W-we're not…" the Demoman gulped, "we're no' becoming f-friends, are we?"

SHOCK HORROR.

* * *

**Is not possible!**

**Thanks for reading, stay tuned for double update today! :D**


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty Eight!

~NEAR THE OLD RED BASE~

The nine members of the RED team had finally arrived at their old base. They had, by the way, evoked an anti-friendship pact because the very idea horrified them.

Oh God this means it's plan time again.

As usual, the Soldier was the first to make a suggestion;

"Here's what we gotta do- storm in there, up close n' personal, and the result is victory!"

"Yeah…" the Sniper half-agreed, "how exactly d'we _get _in?"

"Scout'll scout a way in," the Demoman put forward.

"Fine," the Scout shrugged, "then what?" The team thought blankly for a few moments, shifting in their hiding spot near the base. They were devilishly hidden behind a rock in the direct line of sight of the base.

"Ooh, I know," the Medic said, "ve get loads of doves-"

"Right, your turn is done." The Spy interrupted, shuddering.

"Okay, okay, I got it," the Heavy announced, "I eat sandvich-"

"NO." the REDs objected simultaneously, and the Engineer added;

"We still wanna use this ol' base, not reduce it to rubble." This left them lacking decent ideas once more, after 'get into base'.

Actually, that's pretty solid, really.

"Wanna just wing it?" the Scout asked, rising into a crouch.

"Absolutely, yeah," mercs agreed, unholstering weapons in anticipation. Their formation was simple; Scout way out in front, finding an entrance, Spy leading the group steathfully after, then the Soldier and Pyro followed by the Engineer, Demoman and Heavy. The Sniper would cover the back and the Medic would wander where needed.

Staying low, the Scout took off alongside the base. Within moments he reached the corner and waved to signal 'clear' as he rounded it. The other eight classes followed carefully in his tracks.

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**Aww yeah B)**

**Let's do this!**


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty Nine!

~BIG RED BASE (TECHNICALLY BLU)~

The RED Scout raced around the base, pressing close to the many walls of the structure. At the very back he easily vaulted a chain link fence and found it- a way in.

The RED Spy turned on his teammates;

"Gentlemen…" he drew through gritted teeth, "does the concept of 'stealth' mean NOTHING to you?"

The seven other classes admitted the singing and conga line may have been unnecessary but stealth was really quite boring. Stressed, the Spy started smoking again.

They all glanced up at the quiet sound of rapid footsteps and watched their Scout rejoin them.

"Low open window 'round back," he reported, pointing with his bat.

"Couldn't find a door?" the Demoman enquired, less than willing to do any climbing. Scout shook his head;

"Nah. Well, yeah, but they're reinforced. Would take too long to bust in there."

"Also-it's-very-noisy," the Spy coughed meaningfully. Almost everyone was witless enough to not understand and blame it on the smoking.

"Mate, let's jus' go," the Sniper called from the end of the group. Thank you Sniper.

And alas the RED team finally got moving. The nine mercs made their slow-progress way around the building; by some freak of nature they proceeded undetected. A short while later they reach their first hazard, the chain link fence. One may later refer to the following as a teambuilding activity.

The Scout jumped it without much difficulty and waited. Nobody reacted, merely staring at the fence.

"Will someone give someone a boost?" the Scout sighed impatiently. In response the Heavy grabbed the Engineer and lobbed him over the fence. "Uh… not what I had in mind."

Feel the trust building? Next the Demoman walked over and got a little out of character;

"You'll catch meh, right?" he said, hesitantly climbing up.

"Sure?" the Scout went with, rather unsure.

"A'right, you ready?" he clung precariously to the top, "y'better be ready." He finished, jumping. The Scout and Engineer stepped back, letting him hit the ground.

The other classes followed in a similar manner, accidently kicking each other in the head, landing on and crushing teammates, et cetera. By the time they hauled Heavy's ass to the other side, the Medic was out of _patients _(see because he's a doctor ah ha ha) and said;

"Screw it, I'm using zhe gate." And he did so.

Well then.

After that was over, the RED team finally got to the window and prepared to get their base back.

* * *

**Are you excited? I'm excited. The whole world's excited! :D**

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	30. Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty!

~SOON GONNA BE RED BASE~

The RED team had not been in this base for quite some time, and even back then they had no idea how to get around anywhere. The second they'd all crammed through the window they found themselves lost.

In fact, they currently stood in the storage room. The place stank to high Hell of petrol, explaining the conveniently open window.

"Pyro, don't you be gettin' _any_ ideas," the Soldier warned, eying the assorted flammable objects. The Pyro mumbled moodily.

"Hey, I'm gonna put a teleporter here," the Engineer announced, preparing to do so, "and one near the BLUs when we find 'em, in case we havta' escape." As the team acknowledged, someone muttered;

"Heavy goes last in case he gets stuck again." The Heavy, resenting yet another strike at his size, grunted;

"I stay with Engineer while he builds tele-thingy." Because they always split up before fights in this story. Excuses.

Fine with that, the other seven REDs left the Engy to his teleporter and set off into the base.

Interestingly, they didn't recognise a single hall or room they passed, nor did they care for the blue décor. Regardless, they plodded on a bit longer until the leading Spy and Scout motioned to stop, having heard voices. Everyone silently raised their close-range weapons as they listened in.

"So long story short," the BLU Medic narrated from the next room, "his skeleton was missing! And zhat's how zhe RED Medic lost his licence."

The RED team turned dubiously to the man in question, who self-consciously avoided eye contact.

By this time, the Engineer had built the teleporter; he and the Heavy moved to follow their team. Apparently they took a wrong turn at one point because they triggered something- A TOTALLY BRILLIANT SECURITY CAMERA.

Which could prove problematic.

"Aw, how come we never had those?" the Engy said wistfully, ignoring the blaring alarm bell. The Heavy sighed and hefted Sasha.

The other REDs jumped in panic as the alarm erupted into life above their heads. However, fortunately for them, the board seemed to malfunction;

"Intruder alert! BLU Demoman is a woman!" The contradiction of a warning struck a funny spot among the BLU mercs, as they forgot to give a damn at the possibility of an invasion and burst out laughing at their colleague.

Straightening from their humiliation poses; the REDs swept their gazes around each other and exchanged shrugs.

"We could kill 'em now?" the Sniper suggested, as though it didn't really matter.

"Sure, what the Hell," the team agreed, charging.

* * *

**Yeah let's do this Leroooy Jeeenkins! :D**

**(Do I need to disclaimer that who knows well I don't own Leroy Jenkins anyway okay dokay)**

**Thanks for reading! ;)**


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter Thirty One!

~IN THE BLU COFFEE BREAK ROOM~

The seven REDs exploded into the room, which could only have been more awesome in slow motion. Hell, just go on and imagine it in slow motion. Sweet, right?

Ahem. They shot quite blindly, only occasionally hitting anyone but smashing plenty of novelty 'BLU Team' mugs. Ranting about said collectables, the nine BLU classes grabbed their own weapons and returned fire. Over in the corner, the RED Sniper turned casually and blocked the incoming backstab like a boss.

"You call that a knife?" he asked rhetorically, slamming the BLU Spy's wrist against the wall and making him drop the small blade. "Naw, _this _is a knife, mate," he grinned, a little creepily, ending the spook with his kukri.

And so thy first blood was drawneth.

However the remaining BLUs were pretty pissed about being attacked, and retaliated a lot more violently than anticipated. As it was, both sides had their fair share of scrapes and injuries, plus the room was a tip. It resembled the time the team had tried a new game- spin the rocket launcher.

Needless to say it was less than popular.

Continuing the fight, the REDs evened the numbers when this happened;

~PYROLAND~

The RED Pyro contentedly marched across the playroom, blowing bubbles at any kids it encountered. For some reason though, they fled them! Madness- who would avoid bubbles and happiness? As a second resort the Pyro took out a lollypop and skipped toward a little BLU Soldier.

~REALITY~

Fire axe. In the BLU Soldier's face. Owch.

* * *

**Guys! You rock! Over 50 reviews! :D**

***gets RED team to hug you all***

**Thanks for reading, look forward to more failing- eh, fighting! ;P**


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty Two!

~BLU HALLWAYS~

Even though the odds had become seven all, the REDs were clearly being overpowered by the enemy. Yet again, they had been forced to retreat.

They bolted from the coffee room in as dignified a manner as possible, which involved screaming deafeningly. Hitting walls face-first on numerous occasions, it was a wonder they managed to put even the little distance they did between themselves and the BLUs.

Struggling past a corner, the RED team met the Heavy and Engineer, who was finishing off the second teleporter.

"So, funny story," he mumbled, activating the thing, "turns out- this ain't ever been our base." Everyone blinked.

"We may have gone in opposite direction," the Heavy added helpfully, "when we left our base."

The pair of them swapped a glance, then hurried one after the other through the teleporter. Facepalming, the team followed suit.

The BLU Scout caught up at this point, but all he got for his trouble was a bottle smacking him upside the head.

The RED mercs progressed along until eight of them had leaped to relative safety out the window. Still in the storage room, the Pyro stared joyfully at all the flammable items around it. Reasoning they wouldn't be needing this particular base anymore, it brought out the flame thrower with a cheerful murmur.

Ploughing through the chain link fence, the Scout, Soldier, Engineer, Heavy, Demoman, Sniper, Medic and Spy continued Mission: Embarrassing Escape and ran from the BLU base. Which, to everyone's surprise, blew up.

Doing a quick headcount, the team realised the Pyro was missing. Not for long though.

Somehow – _somehow _– the RED Pyro came a-cruising round the explosion in a BLU RV.

Turns out, the Pyro is a terrible driver. The vehicle skidded a bit, revealing the words 'haters gonna hate' in scorch marks along the side. At last, with unimpressive braking skills, it was able to stop.

"…Huh." The Soldier offered, shattering the stunned, post explosion silence.

Wordlessly, the shocked team clambered into the RV, and the Sniper slowly took up the driver seat. Everyone was still frozen in confusion as the engine revved and they set off. Suddenly quite uncomfortable with the lack of noise, the Scout weakly raised a fist;

"Road trip to RED base?"

"YEEEAAAH!" the team moodkilled- responded. Responded, enthusiastically.

* * *

**Oops. That was silly, RED team :D**

**Wow, really, The Wild West Pyro? That's so awesome, thank you! :p**

**Ta for reading! :)**


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty Three!

~CRAP RED BASE~

An hour's worth of driving brought the RED team to their current box of a base. It was edging on midnight by this time, so the Sniper parked at the door and everyone trudged drowsily into the base.

Their initial thought was that they had been robbed, because their memory of the Sandvich Rush was hazy at best.

Nevertheless, they went to bed. Actually not so much 'bed'. They didn't have those. Their base was ideally four rooms; the entrance hall, the 'central' room, the kitchen and the sniping tower.

The impending upgrade suddenly had more appeal.

For matters of simplicity, hall is H, central room is C, kitchen is K and tower is X. Because it can be.

Upon walking in the Heavy promptly collapsed in the K and fell asleep on the floor. Nearby, the Pyro slept on top of the oven. Also, the Sniper had gone up to the X.

The remaining six classes were in the C. Over the Heavy's snoring, the Demoman whispered;

"Oi, Engy? 'Ow far can teleporters go?" The Engineer considered,

"Mine can't go that far really. Why?"

"Jus' wondering is it could go from 'ere to a bar or summat."

The Soldier, who was half sleeping on the chair, sighed;

"It's gotta be at _least _ten hundred miles to the nearest bar."

"I have no idea how our supplies are holding up then," the Spy inputted from… somewhere. He's kinda sneaky like that.

"Would y'quiet down!?" the Sniper hissed from X, "Noisy blighters…" After a pause, the Scout called softly,

"Doc? Been meaning to ask ya; why'd you leave yer medigun at the BLU base?"

"I DID WHAT!?" the Medic burst out, frantically shushed by his team.

"Aw, I dun' like where this is goin'." The Engy groaned.

* * *

**Uh oh! Dere in trouble :p**

**Thanks for reading folks! :D**


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter Thirty Four!

~RED BASE~

The six awake mercs crept into the H so they could converse.

"Vait. All of you noticed I forgot the medigun… and didn't think to mention it?"

"Uhh, yeah?" the Soldier replied awkwardly. The Medic deliberately adjusted his specs.

"I see… zhis is why I hate you." The Scout shrugged,

"Fair enough. Whaddya wanna do?" The Medic instantly answered 'get it back', much to everyone's tired disappointment.

"D'we _have _to?" the Demoman whined, receiving a harsh 'yes'. The Spy's gaze shifted to the K and X;

"Shall I rouse the others?" He was briefly mocked for using a word similar to arouse before the Medic said;

"Nein! It's embarrassing enough _you _all know." The Engineer yawned and shoved his yellow hardhat back on;

"Fine, doctor," he said agreeably, "let's get this crazy act over an' done with."

After making the Spy steal the RV's keys, the REDs hurried outside once more. They figured the Engy should drive and the Soldier called shotgun. Literally; he pulled a shotgun on his teammates until they surrendered into the back.

Also, a fun fact- turns out the headlights were dead. Ooh, dear.

CRASH.

"'Nother tree, ha… ha," the Engineer laughed nervously, reversing and attempting yet another route.

While he concentrated on not killing everyone and the Soldier had a wee snooze in the front, the others felt a need to entertain themselves. The Demoman's idea was a drinking game- every time they hit something. Within five minutes everyone was drunk out of their mind.

The next suggestion was the Scout's; surfing on the roof. Keeping in mind they'd had about ten beers a piece it may not have been wise, but it was freaking funny. Eventually they had to quit it because the Engineer was sick of stopping whenever they fell off (though sometimes he didn't anyway.)

So it went to the Medic- who decided it would be a fun if they attacked each other with the ammo in his syringe gun.

That's probably about when they passed out for a while. However they were jarred into consciousness when the RV collided with one of the ruined buildings. Which meant it was the Spy's turn for an anti-boredom activity!

He said strip poker.

…

"Well that's enough alcohol for me." He announced dismissively, ignoring the collective stares.

"Get the lead out RED team!" the Soldier yelled from the front, obliterating the tension, "we're here!"

Showtime.

* * *

**'Sup dudes? :p**

**Hehehe this was fun to write, _I wonder if the whole team will get involved?_**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter Thirty Five!

~MEANWHILE, RED BASE~

"Pyro… Pyro. PYRO!" the Heavy shouted, causing his poor teammate to wake and fall to the ground.

"Mrrf, wth s ih?" the Pyro mumbled, roughly interpreted as 'ow, what the HELL is it' but more polite. The Heavy pointed pointedly into the C, saying,

"Half of team is missing!"

"So?" the Sniper grumbled, having appeared behind him, "Means I mighta' gotten some shut eye." The Heavy gasped loudly as offended on his team's behalf;

"They could be kidnapped!" he accused moodily. The Pyro opted to take his side and nodded.

"Nope, but _they _kidnapped the bloody car," the Sniper raged inwardly, glaring out the window. "C'mon, we'll go find 'em before something else goes wrong."

Nabbing weapons, the three of them moved out.

* * *

**Sorry it's a baby chapter I gotta go real soon ah!**

**Thanks for reviewing though bye!**


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty Six!

~THAT BLU BASE THAT EXPLODED~

In the meantime, something else was going wrong.

"There boys, I see the problem," the Engineer grinned, stepping back from the RV, "it's an easy fix!"

"Excellent!" slurred the drunken Medic, "Vhat is it?"

"…Thing's outta fuel."

"Well, crap," the Soldier accurately summarised. The Demoman (only man sounding like himself at present) put forward;

"Let's jus' find the medigun an' think later." Nodding, the team dispersed.

A load of stuff was still ablaze so lighting wasn't too harsh a problem. They attempted a spiral search at first, but in the end the Soldier was the only one sober enough to do so. From where the Engineer was standing by the RV, it probably looked rather funny.

At one point the Scout caught fire and ran dumbly in circles,

"I'm burnin'! I- I'm _burnin'!_" he registered uncomfortably, until he decked it over something and landed in a spontaneous puddle. The Spy went over there to prevent his teammate from drowning in two inches of water when he realised what the Scout had fallen over;

"Medic!" he called, lifting the medigun, "it's here!" The Medic let out a sigh of relief and gratefully took the gun back.

"How zhis thing isn't broken is beyond me."

As they made their way to the RV it was just after four a.m. Much past their bedtime. It was also when the Pyro, Sniper and Heavy arrived at the scene.

Before they could ask what in Hell was going on, a random BLU team rescue plane flew in out of the _BLU. _Heh heh.

"Ohh, Hell," the Soldier said. The Sniper quickly offered to drive.

"Yeah… 'bout that," the Engy began, "it's empty."

"You're supposed to be smart one!" the Heavy facepalmed. The Engineer shrugged, taking it as a compliment. The full RED team continued to stand still as the plane buzzed overhead above the BLU base.

"I think we gotta push," the Demoman resolved, coming to the most obvious solution before the BLUs saw them. With unenthusiastic protests, the tired mercs gradually got into position and hurried to tow the RV away.

The stronger defence classes pushed, the support navigated and the offense helped to push occasionally but mostly did nothing.

It was a highly dull trip and so will be skipped out. Basically they battered the already partially dead RV through the city and woods until they accidently smashed it into their base wall three hours later.

The plane was not otherwise remotely important to the plot, just FYI.

* * *

**I appologise for the short chapter yesterday, but please understand sometimes they have to be short**

**I'd rather keep up daily updates and I do have other things to do :p**

**Thanks for reading anyhow, you'll probably get another chapter later today :)**


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty Seven!

~ON THE ROAD AGAIN. ON FOOT~

It was the same day; only later. The RED team ditched their stolen RV, lacking the patience or willpower to fix it, and therefore had to hoof it. Hopefully they were now going the correct way.

As they broke the tree line (significantly closer in this direction) everyone realised they hadn't eaten or had a drink in several days. More importantly, they had not, well, urinated.

And so jarate was made.

Later the REDs made their merry way across a mile or so of lovely fresh meadow.

PERFECT PLACE FOR A MASSACRE? Nope. Too nice. Maybe later.

Next they wondered past an abandoned haunted mansion (?)

PERFECT PLACE FOR A DEATH BATTLE? Nah. Too dreary.

In fact the team made it all the way to their ex-base with nary a single fight. Not including those between themselves, of course. Example? Very well, citizen;

"What? No," the Soldier had said, patronising the Demoman, "if this was a movie, _I'd _be the badass main character. You'd either be brainless villain or guy-who-gets-killed."

"Yeah? Come say that t' me 'nade launcher!"

"I know a _little _more about fighting than you do, pal!"

"Y'may as well quit arguin', yer both wrong," the Sniper interrupted, "Sniper's always the hero in movies." This encouraged the Spy to protest;

"Now that's incorrect. All the best leads are spies, are they not?"

"Uh, not," the Heavy went with, causing the fist fight between those five to break out. Feeling excluded, the others started their own debate.

"Toasties are better than toast," the Medic put down as a topic. Lamely indeed. However because the Engy agreed but the Pyro and Scout didn't, the quarrel ended in;

"STALEMATE!" an announcing voice boomed from the skies. The Soldier, Demoman, Sniper, Spy and Heavy paused briefly to 'boooo!' then carried on punching each other, impressively as they walked.

Regardless, they had managed to reach their destination alive. May have been the most miraculous feat so far. Their base wasn't exactly humming with activity, yet it did seem to at least be in recent use.

"Okay, are we sure – an' I mean freakin' certain – this was our old base?" the Scout checked, motioning to the building.

"It looks kinda red where the paint's chipped," the Engy noted, examining the walls from their new hiding-spot.

"Promising sign," the Soldier mused. The Pyro then said;

"Mmm mrrf!" ("Good enough!") So they went for it.

* * *

**Aww yeah it is on B)**

**Uh, now something's come up. Turns out I'm going on holiday with the family in about ten minutes...**

**Which I may have completely forgotten about :/**

**In other words I might not be able to access a computer for up to a week, which you can imagine would make updating difficult**

**Will try my best guys, but if not I'll see you with a big update after :) Thanks for reading!**


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter Thirty Eight!

~A-CHARGING THE OLD RED BASE~

The RED team only realised they hadn't spent an entire chapter planning when it was a tad late. They also found they were no more clueless than usual…

Unfortunately, it appeared the BLUs _had _done a little planning, namely their defensive measure.

"Sentry there! And there, and- crap." The Heavy sighed. As all the turrets unleashed Hell the BLUs jumped to action.

Now, the simply superb thing about this base was it had multiple floors, countless rooms, fancy towers and crud. Which means, it's tonnes o' fun to be in and a right female-dog to attack.

The RED mercs discovered this early in the fight and ran away like sissies within a minute. Even if they, honourable Soldier in particular, wouldn't admit it. The BLU team kept shooting as the REDs returned to their hiding place.

"Zhis looks good," the Medic stated dryly. The Demoman said;

"W' could send someone out t'draw the gunfire, an' the rest of us jump out like _kablooie!_" He may still have been a little drunk.

"One of us would have to stay here to cover the team and be on the lookout for BLU backup," the Spy added. Wait- how the heck did they sneak planning into a battle chapter…?

"I'm stayin' 'ere then," the Sniper responded, ducking as minigun bullets flew overhead, "I've an excuse to camp anyhow."

Dammit, they made an entire plan. Someone stop them!

Actually a blue rocket came down about then, and exploded directly in the ranks of the REDs, immediately causing the plan to FAIL. Ha ha.

So obviously this started up the already-done-in-this-fic-but-who-cares-each-class-gets-a-chapter-thing. Again. The teammates were all rather unwillingly scattered every which way, but, being total badasses, continued with the raid. _Sick._

* * *

**Hey dude(ttes)! How's it going?**

**So, I'm a pub :P Not drinking of course, just leeching free wifi :D**

**Anyway have a couple of chapters while I can get online, thanks for reading!**


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter Thirty Nine!

~BASE~

Spy went last before so Spy goes first now, okay? Okay. His own mini plan was to sap ALL the sentries and backstab any fool who got in the way. Sounds amusing.

Either way the explosion had chucked the RED Spy in a forwardly direction, so he hurried to cloak as not to get shot. As the offense classes ran ahead, the Spy hustled after, searching for a way around the infamous Spy-checking BLU Pyros. Oddly, he only saw one of them and was able to sidle around the fire without much trouble.

Reaching the side of the base undetected, the Spy dropped his cloak. A quick glance around from the shadows revealed a ladder further along the wall. It was probably meant for Snipers and Engineers, but the Spy felt obliged to use it himself.

Climbing carefully, he peeked over the edge of the platform. A BLU Sniper was in his direct line of sight; bringing into effect the Sniper Vs Spy rivalry, he shoved the BLU off the roof.

The Spy heaved himself up and once again disguised as a Sniper. He took on a decent sniping stance impression for a minute or two. During this time he counted three sentries, one Engineer and another Sniper on this level. He then pretended to get shot and made sure the Engineer knew it.

"Damn, hang on, I'll build a dispenser," the unaware BLU kindly told the Spy. However, as he turned to do so he only got stabbed in the back. Following his own lead the RED Spy took down the other Sniper with his revolver and sapped the sentries, disabling each one.

Thinking he was 'oh so much better' than Snipers, the Spy smugly went to sneak in a window, just to see a BLU Pyro's fire axe raised dramatically above his noggin.

Abruptly though, a bullet smashed straight through its skull, ending the assassination attempt.

"… Incompetent Sniper got blood on my suit," the Spy muttered, entering the base.

* * *

**Oh Spy hahaha you silly lad**

**Yeah, thanks for putting up with this guys, will try to get back online ASAP!**

**Thank you for the reviews! :D**


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter Forty!

~OUTSIDE OLD RED BASE~

The RED Pyro had also gone forward when the rocket blew up, yet the situation was drastically different because it couldn't turn invisible. It could, though, get off its butt, stand all proud and kick/burn the BLUs to next year.

Or so was the Pyro's master plan.

It ran out, taking absent note of teammates keeping pace on one side. It ignored them completely after that, aiming its WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION (aka flame thrower) ahead at the BLU mob.

The RED Pyro trained the fire on the closer offense classes, driving back Soldiers and Scouts and before their close range weapons could be used. By the time Pyro was right at the base practically everyone on the front ground had been taken care of, save a fellow Pyro BFF.

It died by shotgun. *Emotion goes here*

Anyhow, just as the RED Pyro tried to enter the base to give those sneaky BLUs a good mumbling to, not one but two RED Soldiers joined it. Ohh, Hell.

"That freakin' Soldier's a Spy!" the pair of then yelled, pointing objection-style at each other.

"Mmm," the Pyro muffled boredly, masked gaze flitting between both of them. Shrugging, it picked a target at random and quite literally turned up the heat. Fortunately it was a singed BLU Spy that hit the dirt a moment later.

The real Soldier gave a short whistle of relief;

"Nice one, how'd you know it was me?" The Pyro drew a blank and dashed into the base, shotgun leading the way, instead.

There turned out to be a decent amount of BLU backup in said base; it wasn't too much of a problem though because none of them expected any REDs to make it in here.

The Pyro laughed in satisfaction.

* * *

**So we thought 'Hey! We knocked out all of today's plans in the morning! ... Let's go to the pub of free wifi'**

**Yay, Pyro fun times! Thanks for surviving- I mean reading! :D**


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter Forty One!

~LE BASE~

Meanwhile, the Heavy and Medic – who had both been lobbed backward – made a few quick preparations for battle. They only teamed up for two reasons; they shared a chapter last time and it's just stereotypical, really.

So _there._

When they eventually got going (the Medic essentially had to hack his medigun to charge it) almost everyone else was in or entering the base. Figuring they had best get a move on, the Heavy lumbered off, Sasha at the ready.

Also, a BLU Sniper nearly landed on them as they approached the door. Unusual…

Regardless the Heavy and Medic stormed into the base, tripped, busted through a wall and found themselves smack bang in the middle of a weapons room. Oh, but it was crowded with BLUs.

"Vell," the Medic announced in the blank silence, "I'm just going to…" He ducked behind his teammate and ÜBERCHARGED!

Realising what was going on, the RED Heavy grinned at got the minigun started.

Thus began an enjoyable – cough only for Heavy cough – chase scene as horrified BLU mercs ditched all but their lightest weapons and hightailed it through the base. The Medic wore that narrow-eyed, creepy-smile, borderline-insane expression as he followed the Heavy around.

He. Killed. Everyone. Almost his own teammates on an occasion or two. A BLU Soldier acting brave hit the Heavy with a crocket, which sent the big man smashing into the Medic and cutting off the Übercharge.

The damage was already done though. Blood freakin' stained the freakin' walls.

"Ah, now base is red again!" the Heavy sighed, petting Sasha.

"Yes, ah… Heavy?" the Medic called anxiously, "zhe medigun is broken."

* * *

**Ohnoes! D:**

**Thanks for the reviews, guys, it's nice to know whatcha think :p**

**See you next time I can get online! :D**


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter Forty Two!

~OUTTA THE BASE~

The Engineer's explosion-induced flight path was somewhat undignified. He went straight skyward, then right back down. The poor man landed butt first.

Ahem. The Engineer casually dusted himself off with a 'you didn't see that m'kay' nod at the Sniper. He decided the best use of his time would be making dispensers and sentries.

He started by swiftly building a small turret to protect the Medic and Heavy as they stood still; seemingly pointless to the Engy but what the Hell.

Next he got to work on the dispenser, throwing up the thing as fast as possible. His original intention was to leave it be, but most of the REDs were rapidly approaching the base;

"Now I gotta haul the bloomin' thing," the Engineer observed unhappily, lifting the structure over one shoulder like a total boss super hero.

He reached the base without a problem and attempted to follow the Pyro in vain- lugging a building, he was too slow. Instead he picked a nice corner not far from the door for his dispenser.

That's about when the screaming RED Demoman bolted past him, pursued by a BLU Scout. Startled, the Engy did the first thing that sprung to mind.

He threw the dispenser at the Scout, crushing him against the wall.

"Still 'need a dispenser here'? DO YOU!?" the Engineer laughed manically. The Demoman quickly healed then got the Hell out of there, leaving the Engineer to defend his building. Before long he heard yelling and demonic minigun shots going off.

Moments later a bunch of BLUs pelted around the corner. The Engineer pulled out his shotgun as he watched the Heavy charge in one direction. A couple of RED offense class REDs soon joined him, using and protecting the dispenser simultaneously.

Looks like the fight's going in the RED's favour, huh?

* * *

**Guess what guys? I'm baaaack :)**

**Thanks for reading and faving etc, you all rock! :D**


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter Forty Three!

~LOL BASE~

The RED Scout took a respectable amount of damage from the rocket, due to his low health. All the more reason to avoid gunfire, he reckoned, regaining his feet over to the left of his team.

Time to exercise the failsafe hit n run strategy: extreme edition.

The Scout moved, pumping his scattergun as the Soldier and Pyro also went on the attack.

Being faster, he arrived first, firing a couple of shots then flouncing mocking out of the way. Grabbing his bat the Scout clubbed a few BLUs into the RED Pyro's flames too, before running close enough to the building he wouldn't have to keep dodging the sentries above. Picking off more enemies with his pistol, the Scout taunted;

"Yeah! Come at me bro, come at me- oh man get the Hell away from me!" he jumped aside as a random Medic stabbed at him. "I _hate _doctors!" the Scout shuddered, skittering into the base.

Pausing to reload, the Scout heard a lot of cranky BLUs still in the building somewhere. One light bulb moment later he was circling the floor, ideally scaring BLUs with shots into one area, grouping several of the evading classes together. Like sheep sort of. Baa.

However as he finished his 'roundup' the Engy could have been proud of, and went to go on an ass kicking spree, something happened.

A BLU Spy bled into view, uncloaking silently behind the Scout. He held the knife high, aimed directly between the shoulder blades, and-

"BWAHAHAHA!" the RED Heavy bellowed, a flood of BLU mercs retreating in his path. Unintentionally the Übercharged RED almost killed his own teammate, but Scout dodged in the nick of time. The BLU Spy: less fortunate.

With a 'capital D (rotated ninety degrees anticlockwise) colon' horrified expression, the Scout scampered off, letting out a 'phew' as he encountered a RED dispenser and healed, replenishing ammo.

Eyeing a squished Scout, the RED one smiled nervously at the Engineer and quickly helped to protect them.

* * *

**First Scout was like D:**

**Then Heavy was like :D**

**And now I'm all :3 for no reason**

**Thanks for reading!**


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter Forty Four!

~THE HIDEY PLACE~

The Sniper too had an unpleasant experience during the explosion. His was likely the worst; he had hit something on impact and had done his arm in. Regrettably a tree blocked his line of sight and he didn't realise the Medic was actually still there. Shame, really.

Taking this as a reserve excuse to camp, the Sniper drew his rifle, gingerly supporting the weapon with his bad arm.

Only a brief glance through the scope later the Sniper put down the gun, noting how close some of the BLUs still were, and launched some jars of jarate for good measure.

He retrieved his rifle, smirking,

"Heh heh, piss," then he cursed, "ah, piss!" as his arm twinged. Knuckling _down _under (ha ha) the Sniper swept across the fight with his scope.

He tracked his teammates as best as possible, carefully steadying the gun and covering them, helping to clear the doorway.

He didn't see the approaching Demoman though, so it was just as well the Engineer's sentry gun was there to cover him.

A grenade did get a tad close before the man went down, and the Sniper stumbled back from the explosion. That's when his sharp gaze was forced higher, revealing a Pyro going toward the RED Spy.

The Sniper sighed and prepared for the _epic impossible shot_; distance edging on two hundred metres, scope slightly dirt stained from the grenade, gun being wielded by a dazed and injured man.

Yup, no problem. Not for this guy.

"Steady, steady…" the Sniper murmured, "aaand, potential headshot!" He squeezed the trigger.

Clean headshot: huge success!

The Sniper turned his attention to the lack of anything much happening outside the base, meaning there were no targets.

Reluctantly, he put away the rifle and jogged for the building, unsheathing his kukri as he went.

This team is awesome.

* * *

**Hang on it's a double update!**


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter Forty Five!

~STILL AT THE BASE~

Penultimately, the Demoman also was caught in the rocket blast, though he had had plenty of sticky bomb accidents so it was no biggie.

He stood and surveyed the BLU base ahead, teeming with the people between himself and a secret beer store in the basement. He discovered it around about the time they had nowhere to hide the intel. Alcohol came first apparently.

Anyway, from off to the right the RED Demoman raised his grenade launcher and charged like a maniac.

Chances are he got shot a bit, but a combination of adrenaline and general ignorance left him oblivious. He annihilated several opponents on route and seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself;

"Not so tough now, are ye!" he shouted, but the folks he asked weren't living anymore, so he got no answer. Smiling broadly regardless, the Demoman detonated all his nearby sticky bombs.

Seemingly, he hadn't realised he was standing on one.

An involuntary sticky jump later and the RED Demoman was crashing through a second floor window. Groggily rising to his feet he found he was in some form of bedroom.

With a BLU Scout in it.

"Ah!" the Demoman yelped in fright, ducking as a bat swung over his head. He kept up a constant stream of "AH! AH! AH!" in a manly terrified way as he fled down the corridors. He'd dropped both his primary and secondary weapons and so just ran for it.

Suddenly a BLU Medic appeared in his path.

"ARGH!" the Demoman whipped out his bottle and broke it over the Medic's face as he dashed past. He went down the halls like this for a while, still screaming and clubbing away with the half-shattered bottle.

Before too long he found a staircase and fell undignified to the bottom.

Looking a complete fool he got up and hurried on, still being chased; only briefly pausing near the Engy before going out the door.

"Ooh, _there's_ me 'nade launcher!"

* * *

**No I don't hate Demoman (I'll have you know I'm Scottish :p) he's just fun to mess with**

**Thanks for reading, lads/lassies :D (sorry I'll stop now)**


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter Forty Six!

~A FAR AWAY ISLAND. JUST KIDDING; OLD RED BASE~

And finally it's the Soldier's chapter. He also seemed alright about being blown up; wearing a helmet _does _make sense.

Well, he stood like he had trained himself to and pointed his rocket launcher at the BLUs. Like the majority of the RED team the Soldier sprinted to attack, firing rockets like nobody's business.

Within seconds a chaos of bullets, explosions and flames roared into life, adding a little well-needed epicness to the fight.

"We're takin' this here base _back, _maggots!" he announced, eliminating a BLU Spy with his shovel. Or so he thought. Soldier didn't get the memo on dead ringers.

Overtaking the RED Pyro, the Soldier reached the door, shooting a bone saw-wielding Medic with his shotgun. Then – plot twist totally not mentioned before – another RED Soldier arrived at the scene right before the Pyro.

"That freakin' Soldier's a Spy!" he accused truthfully, gesturing frantically to make his point. The Spy mirrored his movements.

The Soldier anxiously watched the conflicted Pyro then let out a breath as the Spy was warmly taken care of.

"Nice one," he praised his teammate, "how'd you know it was me?" The Pyro ran away. "You, uh, knew it was me, right? Pyro?" Feeling slightly insecure but trying not to dwell on it, he strode into the base.

Sensing the presence of enemies or something, the man raised his shotgun and swaggered on through. The Scout zipped past him a couple of times, and the Soldier helped pick off the foes his teammate chased for a while.

Soon borderline bored he wandered down the halls until he found the RED Engineer and his dispenser. Refilling ammo, the Soldier tactically chose to stay put and defend the machine with the other REDs.

Okay, that wraps up these mini chapters. Hooray. They were getting complicated, seriously…

* * *

**Chances are none of those actually link very fluently, but what can ya do? :P**

**Hope you like it anyhow, thanks for reading! :)**

**(Ps. Lassie fae bonnie Dundee, Neomi Hawke) ;D**


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter Forty Seven!

~BASE, FIRST FLOOR~

A hushed atmosphere had fallen over the base. Cautiously, the eight RED classes on the lower floor migrated to the dispenser, meeting around it.

Suspecting the impending question, the Sniper said,

"Spy's already up there," and he pointed in the general direction of the next floor. The Heavy sighed lengthfully;

"I suppose we go find him." With varying levels of acceptance, the team agreed. They also all blanked out to forget to use the dispenser; they carried on wounded. Idiots.

Yeah, just as the REDs made it to the very top stair, the Engineer froze, looking horrified;

"Ma Engy senses," he shivered, "Spy sappin' ma dispenser!" His path was quickly blocked by the team who understood it was too late.

"Man, I'm sorry. It's too far gone," the Scout told him, uncharacteristically solemn.

"But he needs me!"

"Son, this is one man we gotta leave behind," the Soldier replied, saluting and piling onto the only vaguely emotional scene in the entire fic.

With a final shudder the Engy murmured it was gone.

"Uh… sorry for your loss?" the Medic went with, not quite sure what all the fuss was about. Meanwhile the Demoman quietly asked the Scout;

"Y' mind nippin' down an' gettin' that Spy, lad?"

"Ugh, fine," the Scout replied, exasperated, "it's like I'm dealin' with loads of Spies recently…" he took off down the stairs as the rest of the team advanced further.

"Hey, cheer up Engy," the Sniper said as a distraction, "we took care a' the BLUs. There isn't gonna be an ambush or anythin'!"

There was an ambush around the next corner.

"This your fault, Sniper," the Heavy accused, killing BLUs left and right by freaking punching them. The Sniper attempted to give him the finger but his good arm was busy stabbing with his kukri.

The Scout returned to the dead dispenser and began to search for the offending Spy. It wasn't long he met the _RED _one.

Forgetting to wonder how his teammate ended up on the ground floor, the Scout just went with an absent 'hey'.

"This floor is clear," the Spy told him, confused as to why he was there.

"Nah, the dispenser got sapped. Someone's down here." The Spy paused.

"I, er… no, there isn't… um…" he fiddled with a sapper. Oh.

"You busted our own dispenser? Man," the Scout disapproved.

"I hadn't realised it was ours!" the Spy blurted, "It was instinct. If you tell anyone I _will _kill you." He brandished his knife.

"'Kay, I won't," the Scout responded. "On one condition."

Meanwhile, the other REDs had won their skirmish, officially capturing the base. Huzzah!

They had a brief celebration, blood-stained melee weapons lifted high, when the Spy and Scout arrived.

The Spy cleared his throat a couple of times, really, really not wanting to fulfil the Scout's 'condition'. Reluctantly, he announced,

"I- I enjoy staring at Heavy's ass."

* * *

**...Dunno where that came from :p**

**Thanks for reading!**


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter Forty Eight!

~RED BASE (AT LAST)~

Everyone except Heavy – who was self-consciously trying to look at his butt – burst out laughing at the unfortunate Spy.

Vowing he would murder Scout someday, the Spy scowled and waited for the mocking to end.

When it eventually did, everyone found themselves gradually calming down. That's when the nine of them realised just how badly they were actually hurt.

They finally registered the bullet holes and other assorted injuries they were sporting and did not appreciate the pain that came with it.

The Medic viewed the dreaded moment of the collective 'dude heal us m'kay' stares with an awkward demeanour. The Sniper hesitantly, fearful of the answer, asked;

"There a problem, mate?" In response, the Medic slowly showed the team his medigun.

Both pieces of it.

"Oh." Everyone said, a look of exaggerated calm plastered on each of them. And then, like the tough, war-hardened men they were…

They freaked out.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" the Soldier claimed somewhat loudly, falling clumsily forward and headbutting a wall.

The Heavy meanwhile had taken both halves of the medigun and was furiously smashing them together, shrieking gibberish about fixing it.

Trying to stop him (in vain, of course) the Spy got himself knocked out and he proceeded to crash into the Engineer, who was too busy mourning his dispenser to notice. He merely threw a half-hearted in a random direction to dispose of the potential threat.

Hitting the Demoman, another brief fistfight commenced between them until the cyclops's hangover caught up and he passed out.

Everybody else simply ran in circles, managing to injure themselves further in quite inventive ways.

The Medic shuffled uncomfortably in a corner softly saying;

"Ah, comrades? I- I still know conventional first aid…"

"Mrrf?" the Pyro enquired dizzily, vaguely asking 'so, _are_ we gonna die?'

"Honestly I'm surprised ve're alive right now," the Medic shrugged aloofly, taking out some kind of medikit.

*INSERT HEALING MONTAGE WITH BANDAGES AND CRAP*

"Hang on," the Scout said doubtfully, "you're sayin' that before the medigun, people had to _wait _for wounds to heal?"

The Medic confirmed as such in German; everyone shuddered.

Shortly after, the Spy came to, having been unconscious for the duration of the healing. Tending to be quite level-headed, he made a valid point;

"Couldn't you have simply used a BLU medigun instead of this?"

…

"No. I spent too much time doing zhose bandages. You're damn vell not getting healed now."

That's that then.

* * *

**Dat RED team... :p**

**Thank you for the reviews! Have a high five from all the mercs-**

**NO HEAVY DON'T USE BOXING GLOVES**

**... See you tomorrow? :)**


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter Forty Nine!

~RED BASE~

And so, forty eight chapters of misadventures later, the RED team finally had their base.

Their first task of takeover-ness was to clean up the place a bit. Dead bodies lying around; so last year.

Next they probably should have done something else even mildly constructive, but decided against it. They were likely just too darn giddy about their win and ran like pathetic kiddies around the base.

Everyone had reason to be happy, granted. Not only did they now possess mass supplies of weaponry and food, but several old luxuries too.

Primarily- bathrooms!

Otherwise, more fittingly perhaps; the Engineer had his fancy-ass workshop back, the Medic had his infirmary, the Sniper his tower, the Spy reclaimed his spying stuff, the Demoman had his drink, though he had to throw out a couple of unimportant-looking blue cases to get to it.

Anyhow, also the Heavy was glad to have a giant kitchen once more, God knows what the Pyro was so cheery about but it would likely resemble Hell whilst the Scout got his sport stuff and the Soldier remained 'too cool' for material things.

He was kind of partial to the upgraded weapons though. Silly Soldier.

After procrastinating for a sufficient amount of time, the RED team got down to da serious biz.

Choosing their sleeping accommodation.

It was their original intention to meet up and decide like gentlemen, but none of them could actually find anyone else. Big base, see.

So as it happened the frantic, lost mercs dashed through the halls for a short while and claimed the first bedroom (or bedroom substitute) they came across.

~PYROLAND~

The Pyro watched all the RED kiddies go to bed from where it was, once again, stuck on the freaking roof.

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**Thanks for reading! :D**


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter Fifty!

~RED BASE~

Next morning – no, afternoon; they were really tired – the RED team got up and made their unsteady way to the new central room.

Some unintentional detours later (they were glad to find their old cars etc) the nine of them arrived in one piece. Barely. They're so clumsy.

"Well," was Soldier's attempt at delightful conversation, "one Helluva day yesterday."

"Was good day," the Heavy sighed wistfully, checking Sasha was comfortable on the chair beside his. Oh yeah, they have chairs now, yay.

"W' should do it again sometime," the Demoman put forward, receiving general 'alright' musings from the team. There was a short silence as everybody glanced, bored, about the room.

The Engineer felt complied to play a tune on his guitar, and no one actually had a clue where he had kept it.

"Um… so the weather's nice," the Engy contributed to the dull chapter, hoping someone would strike a vaguely interesting topic.

"I hope you're funnier in the sequel," the Medic forth-wall broke/spoilered. The Engy shrugged dismissively and played that song the Medic hated. The Pyro mumbled along as the Sniper said pointedly,

"Maybe _you'll _think about healin' us once in a blue moon." He pouted and glared at the doctor over his #1 Sniper mug as he had a drink. How did he find the kitchen…?

"Why must we _always _fight?" the Spy muttered, indeed sufficiently quite (insert fancy word for 'tired') of it.

"It's kinda our job," the Scout pointed first at himself then around the other classes, "mercenaries, y'know…"

There was another silence for several minutes, then the entire team simultaneously asked;

"Now what?"

* * *

_Extra Scene_

The Sniper sat, chilled out, at a low wooden desk, staring intently at the modern day computer on it. He read something and slowly a smug smile lit up his features. He turned to the door,

"Hey spook," he called, singsong all the way, "come see this."

The Spy appeared at the doorway and reluctantly stepped inside;

"What?"

In answer the Sniper leaned back and motioned to the screen.

"Read that," he said, grinning happily. The Spy shot him a look and hesitantly turned his attention to the screen. After a couple of seconds he gave a quiet gasp;

"_Impossible,_" was his only statement. Still having fun, the Sniper then shouted for the Soldier, who stormed in impatiently;

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Read that," the Sniper repeated, smile never faltering. It took a while of intense concentration but eventually the Soldier had read the thing too.

"_You gotta be kiddin' me,_" he drew back in horror.

There, boldly and awesomely centred on the computer monitor, displayed;

'_XxSiberianTigerxX: Sniper's definitely the hero in movies. The reckless guy with the largest weapon (coughSoldiercough) gets killed. Known. Fact.'_

The Spy and Soldier threw a bit of a tantrum before running out, leaving the Sniper laughing at the computer. Haters gonna hate.

* * *

**THE END!**

**Haha that was fun, thanks so so so much for the reviews and such! :D**

**Now I can just rest and- Huh?**

**Medic said what? A _sequel?_**

**Guess I'll be seeing you guys tomorrow then! :p Thank you!**


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